These reflections are not answers—they are invitations. To question, to feel, to reflect, and maybe, to heal.

This is a glimpse into a deeply personal journey—a transformation from a life filled with desires and questions to one shaped by introspection and the longing for true liberation. I am not a guru, not a scholar, just a simple seeker—someone who once dismissed the idea of moksha as senseless, only to one day fall to my knees in surrender, asking for it with every fiber of my being. Through moments of joy and despair, clarity and confusion, I’ve slowly begun walking the path of Nirvana, not as an escape, but as a confrontation with my own mind and existence.

I distinctly remember that afternoon. The sun was at its peak glory, shining brightly, illuminating the sky. It was the month of April. I could feel the heat on my skin, a little sweat beneath my nostrils. Every time I took a breath, it gave me a cooling sensation. The heat didn’t bother me because I was deep in my own world. A lot of thoughts were flowing around my mind like a river in full flood, unstoppable and relentless. For some people, speaking dominates, but for me, thinking always takes the lead, a constant inner dialogue that rarely quiets.

I was sitting on the couch, my mother was sitting beside me, and she was chopping vegetables for lunch. With each chop-chop sound, my thoughts seemed to fall into sync with the steady rhythm, drifting in time with each slice. Suddenly, I snapped out of my thoughts, as if someone had slammed the brakes on a speeding car, and said, “Mumma, why do people run after moksha? Look at this beautiful life on this planet—so much beauty to absorb and explore, so many experiences to gain, so many lands to visit, mountains to chase, subjects and matters and arts to learn. I would want to come here again and again to experience everything. I’m not interested in moksha or nirvana. I think it’s a senseless concept.”

Anyone who is soaked in the pleasures of the world would not want to die or spend time running after the concept of moksha or nirvana. I was also soaked in the pleasures of life. We often think pleasure is only found in the good things when they happen to us or when we actually have them, but as humans, we also find pleasure in the very act of chasing it. And that chase never ends until we die.

Imagine you go to watch a theatrical drama. And as the curtain lifts up, you see that the setup is so beautiful. Mesmerising. There is a beautiful palace in the foreground, the backdrop is covered with beautiful mountains and waterfalls. The garden has the most beautiful flowers you have ever seen. Beautiful characters are playing their parts. You couldn’t ignore the sensual background music. For 2 hours, you forget your real existence. You don’t question the reality of the setup. You are just there, soaking it all in. And as the play stops, and the curtain falls, your mind is still in that setup. You go out humming the music you just listened, and a crazy person abruptly throws a garbage bag in front of you as you pass by. Suddenly, your mind gets the attention and comes out of the play, and all your senses now start coping with reality, which you will now start questioning because it’s not as dreamy and beautiful as it is in the play. Then again, after a few weeks, you visit that theatre again to experience the pleasure you felt that time. But now you can see how that mountain is lifted up by a dirty old chain, now you see that not all the flowers are that beautiful, and now the grandeur of the palace couldn’t make your heart skip a beat, it even seems a little smaller than before. You come out of the theatre, and now you don’t feel as happy as you felt before. After a few weeks, you start searching for a new play.

Isn’t this life also a beautiful setup? Think about it.

Now this question must arise what’s wrong in enjoying the play when there are so many plays available to keep you entertained?

Well, I won’t answer that right now, there are so many underlying layers to be confronted before coming to this direct understanding.

Coming back to that day. I was 26 then, and words like moksha and nirvana were always something I was curious about. Growing up in a religious family and community, surrounded by people full of devotion and faith, I had always been close to prayers and God, though confused about the concept of God and religion. I had seen my mother’s unwavering devotion and service to something unseen and invisible.
She is the kind of lady who would cook the best food for an idol that can’t even physically lift a spoon to taste it. When I first started earning, the only thing she asked for was a beautiful wooden mandir for her gods.

When I told her that I was not interested in moksha or Nirvana, she didn’t pay attention to that thought because I always used to come up with something new. Anyways, I was saying it for myself more than for her. 
Again, from the day of this incident, after a span of two years, I vividly remember sitting in front of Shiva. We have a small Shivalinga at our home. After performing Shiva Abhishek, bowing to him, with my eyes closed and sweaty palms together in front of my heart, loosely against each other, tears were falling down my cheeks, reaching up to my chin and disappearing somewhere down my neck. I was sobbing. I could feel the heaviness of my heart throughout my body.
The words that came out of my mouth still give me chills because of their intensity and truth. I told him, “O Shiva, I want Nirvana. I can’t take it anymore. Can you guide me back home?” And I started crying, like a child would cry in front of mother after falling and getting hurt badly.

So, in that span of two years, what made me go back to that invisible entity and cry for something I never believed in before and don’t even understand yet? What changed my entire perspective about life and Nirvana?

I am not interested in sharing what happened in those two years that shifted my mind, as I have now met enough people to understand that no being on this earth is spared from suffering. But in short, as I grew older and older, I dragged myself to places and situations where I started feeling lost. The devotion I had developed over time following my religion faded away, and the faith that always used to keep my backbone straight was lost. My prayers became fervent cries for mercy. I became confused, delusional and fearful. I was swinging between the highs and lows of life. Then eventually lows became more consistent than highs and one day I found myself bowing in front of some invisible entity crying for mercy and help.
But where did I go wrong? I followed every step according to the template accepted by the masses. The template we all follow to live a happy life. yet I still couldn’t feel the pieces of this puzzle called life falling into place. There was something in me that was not content. There was something in me that was crying for freedom. There was something in me that was curious to know where I went wrong in understanding my life. Now, even the chase for pleasure stopped making me move. I was Doing what I was supposed to do, becoming what I was expected to become. I was just living with the flow. Living with the flow! Isn’t it supposed to be the right way?
We say this a lot: live with the flow. Without realising how misleading the flow of a wave can be that doesn’t know it’s true nature that it’s just water, like every other single drop of the river. It will keep trying to flow faster than the other waves, trying to avoid any rocks or obstacles that could slow its speed, without ever experiencing its own simple and neutral reality, until it reaches the ocean where it can no longer discern itself. Isn’t it more like living a life that is a constant reflection of our ego, insecurities, fear, and ignorance?

I understand life isn’t easy and easy is not what we should seek. When something so uncertain hang onto our head everyday when we wake up till we crash on the bed, and forces us to live, it’s natural to get lost in the pursuit of living a desirable life and making some sense out of it. But we forget one most important thing in that pursuit, what makes life worth living? 
Is it the power, the position, the name, the fame, the pleasures we seek outside or contentment, love, compassion and kindness which we can bring peace to us in each and every moment we live?

As I started walking on the path of Nirvana and started practicing Vipassana meditation for more than a year now, I have started realising the truths about my mind which I never really thought about earlier. The reality which is encapsulated in our own body untouched by our wisdom and consciousness, which we keep ignoring each and every moment of our life.
But what actually is this Nirvana, liberation, Moksha in real sense? What it is that I am seeking liberation from? Or is it just an excuse to escape from my problems, responsibilities, existence? Now I know and can confidently say this, 
Nirvana is not an escape, it’s a confrontation.

My journey till now has opened a vast expanse of wisdom and truths which are helping me in untangling the knots that had been entwined me throughout my life and I feel it would be selfish of me if I don’t share it with the world. And it’s also for me to reflect back as I keep walking on this path. These blogs can be documented as my journey to the path of Nirvana, which I might not get in this life but I don’t care about that at all til I am moving forward and bettering myself with each passing breath.

PS - I am just a normal person who has chosen a path that is bringing peace in my life and would want to share more about it so that more people can get benefited.

0 Comments on Nirvana- An Escape or a Confrontation

Would you like to share your thoughts?

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *